The following story, by Janet* is a deeply moving and courageous account of her journey through violence. As you will read, she continues to work towards non-violent relationships and has found various ways to achieve her goals. We thank her very much for her generosity and commitment.
My son Jack* is 15 years old. After a long time, I finally admitted to myself that his problem was quite serious and that it wasn’t going away unless I changed something. It wasn’t that the problem had deteriorated it was just I had come to a point where I realised that something had to be done. I finally admitted to myself that there was a problem there. At first, I hadn’t thought of my son as violent. I had thought that violence was holding a knife to someone’s throat and Jack* wasn’t doing that. He was threatening to hit me and bashing holes in walls.
It was very hard to admit what was happening because I felt I was dobbing on my son. I was worried that if I told people they would get the wrong impression and his self-esteem would be damaged. He likes to present well and I didn’t want to destroy that facade because my role as his mother is to look after him, to protect him. I was always trying to change things, but whatever I did was ineffective. He brought me to the point where I was literally speechless. I would walk off shaking my head thinking ‘I have no control here at all.’
I felt confused by what was happening. That was the uppermost feeling but once I had spent time with the Breaking the Cycle group I realised I was actually afraid. I was afraid to discipline him because I was afraid of what he would do. I was concerned about my husband and my older daughter, both of whom had major accidents and needed care. My husband had a head injury and had trouble with comprehension and on one level he was aware but he wasn’t really able to support me. I think I tried to protect my daughter from it as well because she needed love and support and care following a severe car accident and I didn’t want to rock the boat for her. I was walking on eggshells trying to keep everything as comfortable as possible for everyone.
When I did decide to do something and try some strategies – I withdrew from my son a lot and I set some limits – things did get worse. He actually became very violent. He threw things and destroyed things in the house. He was very threatening and then ran away. I had been told that sometimes things can get worse when you try to change. I continued and now there is a decrease in his violent behaviour, he doesn’t step over the lines quite so heavily anymore.
I had joined the Breaking the Cycle group for mothers who have an adolescent who is violent or abusive. The group helped me make sense out of what was happening and helped me to keep holding the line. It also helped me get back my self-confidence. I didn’t realise just how much self-confidence had gone out the window, just disappeared, without me really realising. In hindsight it’s crazy but I needed permission to believe that I could take a stand and even ring the police if necessary.
I had to let go of a lot of things and realise that the violence needs to be dealt with now. I had to change my focus from things like my son doing V.C.E. and thinking he needs to get through that so I won’t rock this violence boat because he needs his energy to study. I hadn’t really known what I could do. At one stage I spoke to the school counsellor because my son was wagging school.
At this stage, I feel reasonably confident that I can continue to take a stand. When Jack* was using really foul language recently, I said ‘Jack* I won’t have you talking to me like that’ and that was a rare thing for me to say because I’m still afraid. He said ‘there’s nothing you can do about it’ and I said ‘yes there is’ and he said ‘what’ and I said ‘I can have an intervention order taken out against you’ and that floored him, it absolutely floored him, the thought of judges and courts.
However, it is very difficult to make your child understand that you’re being supportive. I don’t think my son understands why I’m doing what I’m doing. I think he might have felt rejected initially when I took a stand. He did actually tell a friend that he wanted her family to adopt him, so I think there was this sense of ‘my family don’t love me anymore’, but he’s come around fairly quickly to see that that’s not the case.
He’s now much more reasonable. I think he feels less pressured. He was complaining to his school counsellor that I pressured him, that I was going into his room and asking too many questions, so I’ve taken a few steps back. It’s more relaxed now. That feeling of being afraid when you come in the door and of being careful what you say has gone. I don’t have to track his moods and I don’t have the feeling of walking on eggshells.
Before I came to the Breaking the Cycle group I really didn’t even admit to myself what I was feeling. I think the turning point is that separation that you see when you think ‘would I accept this from someone in the street or someone boarding in my house’.
For me personally, I believe that my son missed out on a lot of parenting because his father was so ill for such a long time and that is still continuing. I think it’s a fairly devastating thing for a child to see this happening. I think extenuating circumstances make it hard for a mother to confront. Mothers want to try and see their child through. Make it better. I think I was trying to be both parents, trying to make up for what his dad can’t do.
You know I had already reared an adolescent. My daughter is six years older than my son and she had really tested things out, so I knew I had strategies but somehow I had lost them. It wasn’t that I was unable to use them. They’d gone. I was horrified. I still am, that it just went away and why it went or why I didn’t continue to use those strategies with our son, I just don’t know.
* Name and photo have been changed to protect client privacy.
